A few weeks into my relationship he said he loved me. Wanted to marry me and be with me forever. He came with a past but I believe everyone deserves a second chance and I believed his version of events that none of it was his fault. The fact he had 2 previous convictions for domestic abuse (to which he had admitted to both) he made me believe he was the victim. I loved him I believed anything he said. He has many self indulgent and narcissistic behaviours, these he said he was willing to work on and that I made him want to change. Minor changes were made but they are always short lived and he eventually reverts back to old ways. His verbal abuse has become worse and worse to the point I question if there is something wrong with my personality and if I deserve to be treated so badly. I have low self esteem and suffer with anxiety anyway which he knows, some of my friends have said they feel he somehow gets a kick out of that and making me feel worse. I don’t want to believe it. Six months ago he became critically ill. I pushed everything aside to look after him and I brushed off the abuse as a result of him being in pain / on medication. I managed aspects of his business on top of my own Job. I feel I’ve had no life and no time for myself since his illness but it’s never enough and he says I am selfish. On top of all of this he has continued to drink heavily at times and display self destructive and risky behaviours as a way to punish me - getting drunk whilst on medication, spending time with younger woman and secretly texting them (one had even shown me their messages which was devastating to read). I’ve still stayed with him because he has emotionally blackmailed me about leaving when he is ill. I am so unhappy and pretty much leading what feels a miserable life under his control. I’m trying to initiate social plans with friends again but it feels like they are keeping a distance from me now and I think the situation has become consuming for everyone who knows about it. I just want out but I can’t leave him in his condition. I feel so stuck.